I have recently had put this site mostly on the backburner since November, and really haven't been able to sit down and provide much in terms of updates, so here we go:
Since mid December, I have been struggling a lot with what probably is the worst nervous breakdown I've had in my entire life. I have had a lot happen in my life between December to January. There were a ton of triggers that occured in December that absolutely set my generalized anxiety disorder off and what I can only describe as an "overwhelming pressure" of sorts came over my mind and enveloped it. I was literally CONSTANTLY anxious and hypersensitive to everything, like I had this severe fear of the future in any aspect. It also began to set off a very bad existential crisis that occured between January to February, but am still dealing with in some way or another, and with that, my constant anxiety persists to this day, unfortunately.
Since then, I've been back to seeing a very qualified therapist who's been absolutely helpful in identifying my OCD and the specifics of it. In fact, it was the first time I got a formal diagnosis of OCD, and as such, have now been able to correctly identify how my OCD acts and what sets it off. I also am back to taking antidepressants, now starting Zoloft. I'm not looking forward to the long term side-effects but it's something I need. (On Celexa, I gained 35 lbs over the course of 5 months. Apparently Zoloft affects weight even worse, but side effects truly vary across the board)
Also unfortunately, due to this anxiety, my performance in my last ever undergrad semester has really slumped. I'm taking 6 classes while also fitting in time to get work done at my internship, while also fighting this overbearing anxiety. It almost makes you feel like there isn't a purpose to doing schoolwork, and causes you to just sit around and do fuckall to avoid any type of stress.
I've been dealing with the usual stressful stuff a soon-to-be-graduating senior has to deal with. Applying for graduation, apply for the masters program, applying for these jobs, making sure my future is set after May... Everything has been tough. Also, my cushy internship is booting me out in May due to federal budget cuts by Trump. Even typing up all this shit is making me stressful as it's making take a step back to realize how mentally fucked I've been since January. Reading the news is stressful, going to classes is stressful, turning 22 is stressful, my health is stressful. What I'd do to go back to being 17 years old... Not a single one of these worries in my mind. :(
Life stuff aside, let's talk photography...
I've happily been getting more connected and confident in my craft. If you were catching my update feed on Neocities, some of you might've seen some more photos at a basement venue I went to... a lot of my work is finally beginning to catch eyes around the scene and I've been getting commissioned to do local photos. Most of these connections are made thru Instagram (if you looked hard enough, you could find me...!) which is how I honestly get my most local traction, not my site. My site is kinda like my end-all be-all general portfolio for my work and my blogging. I know, I know... Neocities is supposed to be a space that's anti-social media, but I gotta get my foothold somewhere.
My 5DMarkII has proven itself to be an absolute workhorse. I do not see myself getting any new gear for a long time because finances have been tough for me especially after my demented Summer 2025 eBay spending spree where I got, counted up:
cameras and camera gear: 17 (yes, 17.)
batteries: 5
pants: 3
shirts: 15 (I like my fashion)
shoes: 3
I've been especially reflective of this time of my life since I regret 90% of the purchases I made at this time. I even made blog posts talking about the shit I was buying at the time thinking it was a great idea. I mean I was thinking of buying MORE pro camcorders. I do love my Z1U, though. if I had just gotten the 5DMarkII and the lens, I would've been happier and less burdened with the sense of immediate satisfaction that online shopping was giving me. The only way I can describe this sudden and stupid 4 month long spending spree was this heightened sense of happiness and lack of any sense of risk probably due to the max dosage of Celexa I was taking coupled with my June withdrawal and my general love for Summer. Lets hope that Zoloft won't do this to me...!
Anyways, that was a bit of a sidetrack, but yeah, haven't gotten new gear since September and I've been happy. My 28-135, 17-35, and my speedlites have been phenomenal, and I don't see myself making any needless new additions.
Despite my sights set on it as a 2nd source of income, show photography is also kinda making me self-conscious about my social placement at shows and how I enjoy shows. I'm really only bringing my 5DmarkII to gigs I genuinely care about or am being paid to photograph, so I've been taking little cameras and just enjoying the shows more than take any photos, so there's that.
Other than that, that's life right now. I'm still around posting to here as much as I can. Hopefully I'll write up some more about my goings in the future.