2024
One year later, many things have happened in my life. Some for the better, some for the worst. I was in a car accident, lost my Toyota, somehow bounced between 3 jobs, had 2 "relationships" (or failed attempts), found out that I DID in fact inherit my father's hypertension, had my worst university semester yet, which will end up costing me some bounced-back financial aid in 2025, started taking daily medication for stuff I didn't realize I had, a crazy year for neocities growth, and experienced an overall change in my mindset...
The only good that has come out from this year is my very secure internship which pays fantastically, allows me to work from home, and has a generally lax work environment; and the fact that I started taking hypertension treatment medication and an SSRI to treat my crippling OCD, both of which have worked wonders in making me have a clearer head. The only downside is that both seem to be contributing to me gaining weight easier... maybe it's age?
The one thing this year has taught me is that nothing really matters, things happen and you just gotta... move on?
This has really been the first year for me that's a wake-up call, shaking myself into realization that decisions and choices matter when I turn 21. Expectation need to be met. You're not a kid anymore, you need to push yourself on your on volition and not let society guide you into what you need to do. Either you don't do shit or you end up like a slob. So many points this year I have fumbled.
actual photo of the car
For the next 3 months, post-recovery (and horrible tension migraines), I really had to look at myself and how responsible I am as a person about upkeeping myself. There's a usual saying that goes take care of yourself before you take care of others. I don't know if that pertains to my situation, but I felt like it's relevant in some aspect.
I shouldn't really say that those 3 months involved "self-reflection", mostly wallowing in the fact I was 100% at fault and how awfully irresponsible I felt. my mental state took a bit to recover.
For a little background-- I suffer(ed) from terrible OCD due to generalized anxiety, health anxiety, and a whole slew of other stuff... but mostly revolving around my health. In my teenage years, I was hyper-obsessed with how much I ate and my weight-- e.g. I had to prevent myself from going over 155 lbs. or else I would feel wickedly uncomfortable about myself. It wasn't body dysmorphia per-se, more of like a constant concern with gaining weight even in the slightest.
This is kind-of how my health anxiety started. It would eventually evolve into different worries, usually brought upon by environment. For example, when my father was going through his chemo for his cancer until his passing 6 years ago, I began to worry that every skin blemish, weird little wart, or even skin graft was a sign of cancer. I had many sudden health clinic visits during this time, it kind of sucked. The constant worry in my head was, "what if it actually is cancer?" I knew it wasn't, I simply wanted to "rule-it-out".
In the fall of 2023, after dealing with a very bad bout of COVID, I had been checking my BP since I was advised to by my doctor since strong viruses can kinda fuck with it. I never really knew what SYS/DIA numbers meant, so I decided to look them up... first big mistake. I had readings of up to 155/80, and began to panic a bit. So, what does an anxiety ridden person like myself do after this? You guessed it... keep doing more readings to constantly make sure you'd get a good one.
Over the next few months I would constantly do readings, each one being just as high as the last one. Doing BP tests on a non-relaxed mind isn't a great idea when you keep getting readings back that say "165/85". Since I had just began psychotherapy under my healthcare facility, my GP decided to check in with me every few months, and as courtesy, she always does a BP check. Despite trying to make myself comfortable, the reading came back at a higher-than-usual 152/79. She referred me to a cardiologist soon after, knowing my family history.
One thing I left out is the fact that the bulk of my father's health issues can be traced right back to his hypertension. He had been diagnosed at the age of 20 and never seemed to care much about it. Me seeing this higher bp is a sign in my head that I am, in fact, inheriting my dad's negative health traits, which always terrified me.
I tried to play off my higher bp as being a part of my anxiety, as the raise in pressure can sometimes be attributed to stress. As time went on, that wasn't really seeming like the case anymore... some weird medical stuff within my heart was causing this, and was very likely heridatary. After a few annoying cardiology tests (specifically YOU, contrast IV), it was determined that I have not only hypertension, but supraventricular tachycardia! explains all those random moments of my heart beating out of nowhere and sudden "chest lightness".
I was given Irbesartan 150mg to treat my weird blood pressure. At the same time, while still in therapy for my generalized anxiety, I finally decided to try out Citalopram, 20mg.
The changes weren't instantaneous. That kinda comes naturally with SSRIs, they take a LOOONG time to considerably kick-in. However, with the combined affect of the Irbesartan, I was kinda anticipating my general behavior to take a sudden turn before 2025. Around October, I began noticing my general demeanor was becoming far more lax. I wasn't dwelling on the usual thoughts that would bother my mind for ages. It was the strangest feeling ever, but I was all for it.
Now, one day before the new year, it's really hard to describe how different my mind is now to then. Part of the reason why I don't have huge health anxiety anymore is because I feel like I can think FAR more rationally, but also now that I am getting treatment for my health issues, I feel more under control over my life. Even some of my OCD-related compulsions are very mitigated, although still there. I seem to never shake off the stupid habit of pushing my chair whenever I leave any room, but the other stuff like incessant symmetry with objects on my desk is kinda not there anymore. I had a bunch of other compulsions back then, that shit was rough.
I bounced between several jobs this year, about 3 in total. My final days of supermarket produce department clerk were finally upon me, and afterward I secured a job at my university's IT department. Worked there for 6 months. It sucked. Fun fact-- the current iteration of vibracobra.net was partially worked on while at that old job. Tiring coworkers, tiring corporate hierarchy (because yes, even public institutions have very corporate-like hierarchies, and SUNY is the worst offender of it), and incredibly unfulfilling tasks were the norm. Oh, and not even just annoying coworkers, I had one that straight up harassed me, asking me very gross questions about a relationship I had at the time while we were both helping a client set up her new laptop workstation (she was out of the room at the time).
By the time June rolled around, it was time for me to pack my bags and leave. I was working there with my sister (higher up position) and she was getting fed up with the place. Conveniently, we both landed very good jobs elsewhere. Through some very gainful connections, I landed at a very good internship.
There's really not much else to say about the current state of my employments, it's kinda a private matter anyways.
In some of the good news of 2024, It was a fantastic year for my site and neocities. I rolled out the current design, which is probably my favorite redesign out the 4 that I have done so far, and now I'm set and have really no plans on changing it (besides the page photos, expect new ones this year). With all the constant updates, I suppose they brought my page up the ranks in the tags and it got to a ton of people. In November 2023, I hit 100k views, then a year later, November 2024, I hit 200k views. Keep in mind, it took me over 2 years to hit the 100k mark, and then just 1 year to hit 200k. Growth has been exponential, but even more so for my follower count, now at 80 as of typing this-- that's 80 (well, 65 if you count the follow-for-follow dipshits) individual people giving a shit about the little corner on the internet I've created.
The one thing that meant the absolute most to me is the few people that were directly inspired by my site to create their own. I had a few users follow me and post stuff in my guestbook telling me how my site inspired them to create their own. One person even linked my site at the top of theirs! I really have no words... other than, just thank you! I never thought my time on neocities would impact others and inspire them, and it just means a ton to me. THANK YOU!!!
Before I finally stop typing this up, one thing I do want to bring up.
premonition?
It just felt like... I don't know, a premonition, but I didn't know what corner of my mind it came from. At that point, the recent worst thing that I experienced was my wisdom tooth removal. Leaving 2024, I would much rather get my teeth pulled out than go through a traumatic car accident and a painful IV hooked up to me in a cardiology unit of a medical center (I hate needles and doctors offices, don't ask me why my brain picked these battles instead of more rational things to fear).
I can best describe the feeling at the time as a genuine feeling of uncertainty and isolation. I mean, it was the year of the tumultuous 2024 elections, and I knew even way before then that it was gonna be crazy (not as crazy as I expected it) so I suppose it contributed to my feelings of uncertainty. Did anyone else get a similar feeling at the beginning of 2024?
That's all I really have to say. I really don't know what compelled me to write all of this, other than it being a long time since I had the chance to pour my thoughts on this site. Bleh. Feels good to do this, though.
You can read my old rant here.
1.3.25